category: humor

Seen at Allied Record Exchange, 2004

I was perusing images on my computer this evening, and found this lovely gem that I snapped with my Lomo back in the summer of 2004.

Someone at Allied Record Exchange had a warped sense of humor.

 

Building Dreams at BGSU

I found this juxtaposition amusing. What kind of dreams are they building?

 

Our Spelling May "Suprise" You

Seen Tuesday on weather.com:

As usual, I found the typo.

 

I Know People Who Have Done This

[via PostSecret]

 

Lolcats Amuse Me.

moar funny pictures

This is, perhaps, funny because it's so true.

 

When It Comes Down To It

Since I can't seem to get motivated about my job search today, I decided to finally unpack the box of files and other goodies from my desk at work. Yes, it's been sitting by the kitchen table for two weeks now, and I'm just now unpacking it.

What's a little depressing is that everything regarding my employment over the last five years is now contained in three hanging folders: one labeled "Huntington Info," one labeled "Loan Corrections DB," and one labeled "Sky Bank Misc."

This could actually be more than a little depressing, if I let it. Instead, I will share this little tidbit I saved for posterity (identifying information has been masked to protect... well, to protect *me*):

Please don't misunderstand me: we did understand and appreciate the client's needs, and addressed the client's concern by setting him up to receive a monthly billing statement. We were all just amused by the communication itself.

Know that this letter sits in the folder labeled "Sky Bank Misc," and will amuse me from time to time as necessary.

 

Funny Quote of the Day

This came up in my Gmail Web Clips today:

Jane Wagner - "The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool."

Yup. *nods*

 

Quotable: James Fox, 8/17/06

I was going through my purse, throwing out the random scraps of paper I thought would be important someday, when I came across this gem from last year:

"The only time I listen to my gut is when I'm hungry."

James, you just said a cotton-pickin' mouthful.

 

Archibald Barasol

Other than my own name and "t-shirt surgery," the search string that brings the most visitors to my site is "Archibald Barasol," thanks to this post from back in March of '06. Most people spend a grand total of six minutes on my site after not finding the text of the Archibald Barasol joke (probably trying to search for it and see if I posted it somewhere else).

Today, I received an e-mail from a reader who kept reading, even after coming to a dead-end in finding the text of the Archibald Barasol joke. She was kind enough to e-mail me and say some kind words about my journal, which I greatly appreciate.

As a thank-you to her, and as an offering to all of you who find my site by searching for "Archibald Barasol," I present the text of the joke, as I remember it, as told to me by CC Snyder:

So, there's this kid. He's about 17 years old and in the 4th grade, and his name is Archibald Barasol. One day, Archibald's teacher was teaching the class how to spell out words in phonetic syllables.

"Archibald," she says, "Can you say your name in phonetic syllables for a star?"

"Hell, no," he says. "I need an example."

The teacher says, "Fair enough," and calls on Johnny Jones. "Johnny, can you say your name in phonetic syllables for a star?"

Johnny stands up and says, "Yes, ma'am! You've got your J-O-H-N, got your John. Got your N-Y, got your -ny, got your Johnny. Got your J-O-N-E-S, got your Jones. Got your John Jones, got your -ny Jones, got your John-ny Jones."

"Very good," the teacher says. "Now, Archibald, can you say your name in phonetic syllables for a star?"

"Hell, no," he repeats. "I need an example."

The teacher says, "Fair enough," and calls on Mary Smith. "Mary, can you say your name in phonetic syllables for a star?"

Mary stands up and says, "Yes, ma'am! You've got your M-A, got your May. Got your R-Y, got your -ry, got your Mary. Got your S-M-I-T-H, got your Smith. Got your May Smith, got your -ry Smith, got your Ma-ry Smith."

"Very good," the teacher says. "Now, Archibald, can you say your name in phonetic syllables for a star?"

Archibald stands up and says, "All right, you asked for it, fucker. You got your A-R-C-H, got your Arch. Got your I, got your Arch-eye. Got your B-A-L-D, got your bald, got your eye-bald, got your Arch-eye-bald. Got your B-A-R, got your bare, got your bald bare, got your eye-bald-bare, got your Arch-eye-bald-bare. You got your A-S, got your ass. Got your bare ass. Got your bald bare ass. Got your eye-bald-bare-ass, got your arch-eye-bald-bare-ass. You got your O-L, got your ole. Got your ass-ole. Got your bare-ass-ole. Got your bald, bare ass 'ole. Got your eye-bald-bare-ass-ole, you got your Arch-eye-bald Bare-ass-ole."

And the teacher says, "Very, very good."

I have read variations on this joke; keep in mind this is but one version, and that I first heard and memorized it back in 1995. It's also a challenge to type out, and is funniest if read aloud. Particularly with a southern accent.

 

This Will Be Me In 15 Years

Courtesy of Jill Shalvis:

Last night was Back to School night for the High School. It's set up so that parents can experience the day as their child does. My daughter handed me my schedule. AP Calculus, AP Science, Weight Training, Leadership, and AP English. I looked at the schedule and felt the nerves jump in the pit of my stomach. "I already survived high school, I shouldn't have to survive it again."

keep reading...

Totally. Going to be me when I have a kid in high school.

 

Grammar Geek

James: Which is right: "you or I" or "you or me"?
Me: In what context?
James: "Let me know if it is you or I."
Me: *pauses* "You or I" is right.
James: OK. It sounded right, but I wasn't sure.
Me: Yeah, it's "you or I," because it would be "me" if it were an object, but "is" is a linking verb, so the object would take the same...

*pause*

Me: I just totally geeked out on you, didn't I?
James: Yeah.

 

Those Crazy Japanese

For anyone who hasn't seen this yet...

Along the lines of All Things Japanese, this site was helpful for me in deciphering why it was amusing for an anime convention to be named Nan Desu Kan. I'd heard enough Japanese to recognize it (or, rather, "nan desu ka") as a common turn of phrase, but the Learn Japanese website explained that it means, "What is it?"

I'd love to take a Japanese class. I don't think there are any local evening classes taught by native speakers, though. I want to be able to do more than count to twenty badly, ask "what is it," and other fun otaku tricks. If the Learn Japanese site had audio clips to confirm pronunciation, it would be even better. I'll have to look into some of the podcasts on learning to speak Japanese.

Not like I'm ever going to make it to Japan any time soon, unlike *some* people I know. And, yes, I do know more than one person who either has been or is going to Japan. ^_^

 

Tonight's Wrong Number

9pm: *ring*

me: "hello?"
man: "hi. i'd like to speak to an officer?"
me: ... o_O
man: "is this the minneapolis police department?"
me: "no, it isn't."
man: "oh, i'm sorry!"
me: "that's ok."
man & me (unison): "bye."

WTF?

Google says the Minneapolis Police Dept's number is (763) 525-6215. That's only vaguely close to our number — the prefix is similar, and the two's in the same position. Weird.

 

Kitty Christmas

This is the funniest set of Cat vs. Christmas Tree pics I've ever seen. I've never had a cat climb up INSIDE the Christmas tree, thank goodness...

[link courtesy of Cynical-C Blog]

 

The Burning Bush

OMFG. Go download this fantastic story, written by Jennifer Pelland, read by Deborah Green. Best short story EVAR. An excerpt:

"The thing is," he said, gesturing at the book, "there's no proof in here. It's all just faith. My scientific mind demands rational proof!"

"What will it take?" I asked. "A burning bush?"

And then my pubic hair caught fire.

Warning: if your sense of humor regarding religion is lacking, if you are squeamish about slang referents to a woman's pubic mound, or if you are a devout Catholic, you might want to pass on this one. I doubt that very many of my readers fall in any of these categories, though, so go download and have fun. Not work-safe.

If you like this story, consider subscribing to the Escape Pod podcast, where you can listen to other fantastic short stories by published Sci-Fi authors. I know I dig it.

 

The Ultimate Hippie Vacation

Just in case you haven't seen this...

A woman is selling The Ultimate Hippie Vacation with her crazy brother-in-law on eBay.

Scroll ALL THE WAY DOWN to see the pics and read the funny shit. Totally hilarious.

 

I <3 Geeky Political Satire

These are great. You don't have to have played Magic: The Gathering to appreciate these Katrina: The Gathering cards, but it'll make it that much funnier.

[Courtesy of krustukles]

 

Google Ads Amuse Me

How utterly amusing. I'm sure there's some witty comment that should go along with this Google Ad, but it's escaping me right now. Something about various defunct corps — yes, the entire corps — gathering dust in some insano fan's basement after having been purchased at a price-slasher discount on eBay.

VK 1996: Hey, man, can we come out now? Our NASA jumpsuits are starting to smell funny, and our families think we got deported.
High Bidder: Only after you play that song from Star Wars again...
VK 1996: Dude, you suck.

 

Diana is...

I couldn't help it. I'd never done this particular meme before. So, despite the fact that I often *do* memes out of curiosity, but rarely *post* them, I'm actually posting the "[my name] is" meme.

HOWEVER. I did mine a little differently, due to the celebrity that once shared my name. I searched Google for "Diana is" -princess. And here we go...

The Diana is an all-plastic camera that was made in Kowloon, Hong Kong...
Believe it or not, I did know that.

Diana is running for office
And running, and running...

Diana is now working on her next recording, which is a Christmas album!
Um... Io Saturnalia, everybody?

Diana is currently in London, England
Or would rather be.

Diana is a town located in Lewis County, New York.
I know the kids in my grade told me I was as big (read: fat) as the whole world, but I didn't realize I was really as big as a town.

Diana Is Invited to Tea with Tragic Results
Oh, shit. No one told me I was in Anne of the Green Gables...!

The Goddess Diana, is the Huntress and Goddess or fertility
Again, not news to me. The typo's nice, though. Thanks.

Diana is a beautifully marked shorthair "dilute" tortoise-shell female cat
Maybe in my last life. That would explain some things.

Diana is an executive coach, lecturer, trainer and facilitator
Then why am I working at the damn bank? Can't my agent get me a better gig?!

Diana is, was and always has been the best singer on IDOL
You better believe it, sistah.

 

Multimedia Amusement

I've gotten some highly amusing animated gifs and video files as forwards at work lately. So, if you're ready for a page to load up several megs' worth of bitch-slapping, fire-eating, and other random carnage, read on.

read more...

 

A $649 Totoro Hat?!

...and I'm selling it?

Looks like someone found my site by searching for "totoro hat" on Froogle. Apparently, it's still got some bugs. o.O

 

Another Amusing Forward

Shown below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank (no, not the one that employs me) by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press the buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year.

Your Humble Client

 

Amusing Forward

Here's yet another one I received at work:

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, 'WHO'S HORNY'..." and she acts like she is asleep every time."

 

Comic Relief

Holy freaking shit. Want to see the best Star Wars convention photo captions EVAR? OMFG ROTFL WTFBBQ.

Yeah. No belly laughs from me, but I think it's just because I'm too hungry to laugh.

 

Stating The Obvious

I've been saving this gem in My Documents folder at work for a year and a half now, just because it was amusing to me. Finally, as I was looking through my files today while work was slow, I decided to zip this and send it to myself at home so I could post it:

  

Hopefully I'm not violating some sort of confidentiality something-or-other by posting a screenshot of our intranet. I just thought the main story title was amusingly ironic. Don'tcha think?

 

An Open Letter To Our Pets

From yet another forward I received from a co-worker:

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years—canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

 

Nice Lexus

Received in my work e-mail today:

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership and browses around. Suddenly she spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escapes her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greets her, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replies, "Madam, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted from just touching it, you are gonna shit when you hear the price."

 

Topless Drumcorps

As requested... I have delved into the drumcorps archives and dredged up the smuttiest and sleaziest drumcorps photos of the late 90's! (And don't forget... you asked for it!)

Here they are, in no particular order:

 
Here's a teaser: just a little midriff.

 
Mmm, some more midriff. Check out that hot... um, chick. Yeah.

 
Chad shaved his head for Finals in '95. That's sort of "going topless"...

 
When I think of topless drumcorps, *this* is my fantasy. Mmm... tasty.

 
But these two fine specimens are more of the reality than the fantasy.

 
And finally: bottomless drumcorps. Or pantsless, if you prefer.

 

Horrible joke of the day

Courtesy of the Sky intranet:

Q: What makes an octopus laugh?
A: Ten tickles.

*joke grenade*

 

The Anti-Spam Spam

Just got this in my Gmail:

If you've received this message - then your email address has been screened circulating on junk-email and spam related message lists. UnsubscribeNow.org spam-traps junk-email circulating online, parses multiple-recipient addresses and registers their 'remove-me' links into the UnsubscribeNow.org remove-me database.

To learn how we help clear and Opt-out your email addresses online, visit us today at www.UnsubscribeNow.org .net .com

Is this some kind of reverse psychology thing? "Those bastards! Why do they keep—er, wait. These spammers don't want me to get spammed. I should go and sign up for this service they spammed me for..."

*brain explodes*

 

Remember This At Christmastime

(From a forward received in my work e-mail)

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

 

Ball Waxing Video

Um... check this out:

Wow. Ow.

 

If Southpark Were Anime...

Check this out. This is so cool.

If you think that sketch is neat, check out the whole gallery.

 

OMG that's so sad

stolen from "and now, josé?"

"I hope those ducks are okay."
The Morning News - The LiveJournal of Zachary Marsh

 

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